It is tough to be strong!

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The past couple of months my sleep has been all over the place, today too it is the same story! I somehow cannot fall asleep because of a few reasons and then I get so tired that I feel breathless and it makes me much more tired and it becomes a vicious circle!

It was the same story today! I was wide awake and tried every single trick I could to fall asleep and then gave up! My mind was wandering as usual and enjoying it too!

I don’t know how it came about to it, but I remembered when my father fell sick way back in 1989. We had just shifted back to Chennai the previous day. After all the cleaning and setting up the home we had gone to bed tired. I woke up in the morning to see that my parents were missing and the main door was locked from outside. Somehow managed to the get the attention of the house owner who lived downstairs and she said my father was sick and they went to a hospital near by.

I was sure she was wrong because I knew my mother was the one who had wheezing the previous night and she couldn’t find her medicine. But then I saw her medicine on the table. So off I went, locking the door behind me with my brother and my mother’s sister, who was only a couple of years older than me, sleeping inside.

The hospital was not far off and was fairly easy to find. I realised my father had had a heart attack. I asked my parents what they needed and came back home to bring all the stuff that they needed. Then I called up my dad’s boss to let him know that dad was sick and would not be joining office that day. It was dad’s first day in the new office! I had to get my brother ready for school as it was his first day in school too!

I somehow managed to do all that and inform all my immediate family. Thanks to my dad’s boss, he moved dad to a better hospital with all facilities and he was kept in ICU and taken care of very well.

I had to keep a brave face which I did. I went to see dad in the new hospital and he asked me to travel back to continue with my studies the next day.

By the way, I was all of 15 and it was the first time I was going to travel long distance by train all alone. I decided not to argue with him. If I wanted to stay back maybe it would scare him. So I left the next day. It was my first day in any kind of hostel ever. I had never stayed away from home till then.

The next afternoon I went to meet the assistant warden Sr. Christabell and cried my heart out. Till then I had not shed a tear. I had to show everyone that I was strong.

Over the years, similar incidents happened when dad underwent bypass surgery and then when we met with the bad accident where I had to admit three people, including both my parents and sign for them as guardian.

Somehow everyone things I am such a brave and strong person. Only I know how I am Ms.Wobbly knees! I cry my heart out nearly every single night worried that I am doing it all wrong, how I am a bad parent and screwing up my children’s life, how I am a total failure in everything! It is a pity that everyone things I am so strong that I don’t have a shoulder to cry on!

It is really really tough to be strong!

 

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