Today has been a tough day, with the little one sick and having their friends over and having a sleepless night last night. But what was toughest I think is not being able to find the time to connect with you. I need that quiet time where I can talk to you in my head without anyone interrupting my conversation. I know I will fall asleep the minute my head touches my pillow after a tiring day. So Goodnight, but I know you miss me too.
Will catch up with you tomorrow or the day after. I live in hope after all.
OK, I asked you to shut up and get lost last night, I give up now. I need you back! I am finding excuses to call you back and talk to you. So typical me, isn’t it?
Not a new song this time. but listen to me, please. I want to jump up and down like a two-year-old till you listen to me. But I don’t have to do that with you. Let’s switch off the lights, pull the curtains shut, lie on the king-size bed and you share my headphones, no it doesn’t sound right without it. The volume has to be right. Close your eyes, hold my hands. Now, do you feel what I feel?
I had so much to write and yet the day didn’t finish well with me having to rush to take my daughter to the hospital. But it was lovely to reconnect with you.
Today I miss you but I don’t want to talk to you either. I just want to be quiet and just listen to music as I am doing now. I have so much to talk to you, to share with you and yet I don’t even want to see you today. No, I am not upset with you but I am going through one of those days where my heart feels heavy at the thought of you and I feel breathless
It is funny that of the billion-plus people on the planet I have to feel this for an imaginary person. You are the only person who I can tell my feelings to, the only person who will listen to me singing off note and off pitch and giggle with me, the only person who will hold my hand and let me lean on your shoulder and let me blabber on about how disappointed I am with everyone and everything for a minute and then laugh together about how enjoyable the auto ride in rain was. You are my crazy other half, who I cannot live with and live without. It is strange that no actual human being has the time for me or cannot listen to me without saying something in between or being judgemental.
Please don’t leave me. I need you to keep me sane, I need you so I can behave “normal” with everyone else and meet everybody else’s expectation.
Please massage my tired feet.
Please listen to me rant about some random person.
Please laugh with me about the joke that stranger on the train said.
Please admire with me the beauty of the laughter of the child we saw on the road.
Please share with me your story of the long tiring day and I want to listen without saying a word.
Please talk to me about the book you read and the movie you saw and what you thought of it.
Please be with me and be there for me as I am there for you.
Just today, just this minute as I drift off to sleep beside you.
When I landed the day before yesterday I got a message from a friend asking if I was happy to be home. I had a smile on my face because I was just thinking about it earlier in the day sitting on the plane.”Where am I heading to?”
Yes, this is my home in a way, this is where I spend most of my time with the man I married to and my two sweet and loving children. But is this home? Is this the only home? In a way, I like the comforts here, my own bed, my dry and clean bathrooms and toilets (I have grown to hate wet bathroom floors and toilets. I just can’t take it anymore). My space where I can sleep in the clothes I want, sleep as long as I want. The kitchen space that I can experiment and wreck.
Then I think, Chennai is home too. Yes, Amma is not there anymore, but my brother and my sis in law are welcoming enough. My Appa is there. I have my own bedroom space and my own bed there too. The bathroom is dry enough and I do wreck the kitchen there too.
The above two paragraphs have made me think, what is my standard for calling a place my home – a bed space for myself and a kitchen and a clean and dry bathroom? This is getting funny!
Of course considering that, where my dad lives also is my home. It is funny how I always mention “I am going home for holidays” when I fly to India and I say “It is time to go back home” When I fly back to Dublin. it is home for me wherever I go.
I suppose home is where I connect to people that love me and that I love. I have many homes and I love them all!
Of the three flights that I was on yesterday, I slept on two of them. On the last one, I discovered they had Hindi movies. So I decided to watch something. The first one that I saw was a movie that I had been searching for a while, Raazi. So I did not even see what other movies were there and went straight to watch this even before take-off.
It was a heartbreaking movie. At the end of it, I felt what I always feel, why do we have boundaries? Why do have to have this sense of patriotism? Why can’t we have humanity instead? When Iqbal asks Sehamat “Was anything ever real between us?” and she doesn’t answer his question directly but says “Nothing comes between me and my country” that made me cry. Iqbal’s character is one that any woman would fall in love with, so gentle and so respectful and yet the poor woman chooses patriotism over humanity and chooses to hurt this gentle being?
The second movie was Beyond the clouds. I realised how much I have changed since I had my kids. I just could not watch certain bits of the movie. I had to look away from the screen. But there were some beautiful moments. Absolutely lovely movie and I would surely recommend you to watch both the movies. I would like to know your opinion of the movies…
When there is an oxytocin rush because you are happy and the weather is good work gets done much quicker. I wish I was always this happy!
Do coconut trees grow in Ireland. Anyone with the slightest knowledge of plants will tell you the answer is no. But of course, we do not listen to others, right. When I brought my little coconut tree I was warned that it was a coconut tree and not a coriander plant. I knew I had to dig three feet to put it in and have sandy soil as filler. I was looking at sitting in a pot inside for the past few days and today because I was in a good mood and I had finished my work early I thought I will get to this.
I had done nothing other than spending some time in the community garden this year. My garden has been uncared for. Today I was going to change that. My impending trip also means a few plants from plants had to go into the soil so they will survive until I come back at least.
Even though I had not done much in the garden, I still had to pull out the last few carrots, beetroot, onion, which I had planted earlier. My unloved strawberry patch was looking sad. I had planted peas and got some of them growing. I also have thyme, oregano, rosemary, basil (which was transferred to the soil today), spinach, chard, mint, spring onion, etc. So today I got up and cleaned up my garden space, not too much but yes I did. I got the coconut tree on to the ground. Cleared the veggie patch and a bit of the strawberry patch, put my chrysanthemums on the soil and cleaned up my succulent plant tower.
A lot of hard work done, hope to get some good sleep tonight after all that.
I am breaking my self imposed ban on posting complaint posts!
I am just back from a hospital appointment for which I had to wait one and a half years for a start. Then I go in to find out that none of the documents my GP had to send in was there in the hospital. Looks like they misplaced my son’s referral and also all the other papers that had to go with my son and my daughter’s referral.
I had asked for an assessment for a couple of things, the doctor I was sent to after all this was doing physical exams, asked if they were healthy, eating healthy if they had constipation and because everything was ok I was sent away asking to come back after a year!
On top of this, she said she would recommend my kids to go to school. She had no clue what homeschooling was. When I told her that my kids were not locked up inside the four walls of the house and that my kids did climbing, swimming, tennis, gymnastics, chess, board games, scouts and academics with the Center for Talented Youth she turned around and congratulated my husband on being organized and keeping everything in order!
If anything I was the one who worked hard to get this hospital appointment, to get to each session that they get outside home, to drive kids, to make sure the payment for each class goes in on time, etc. Why is it the man is praised and the woman who does everything is not even looked at and that too by another woman? When will things ever change?
OK. Rant over! I have to go back to supporting my kids now, while their father is stuck in another endless meeting…